I wasn’t sure what the first Sunday Post of 2021 would be about. New year, new start? A review of 2020 or resolutions for 2021? Think I’ve been doing that all along and already made a few promises to myself for 2021 in earlier posts.

As I knew I would, I’ve been all over the place in my resolve to look forward, to do my best not to get bogged down by regrets and trying to read between the few lines I have received over the last month. The urge to get answers to all my questions is strong and pulls me into a funk and I have to force myself out of it. It’s not easy.

One thing I’ve realized is that there is a part of me that wants to be miserable just to prove a point. Sounds like a great plan for the new year, doesn’t it? Definitely not how I want the year to go.

This week’s bloom tells me to trust myself, but I’m still not sure I can. I’m not all that sure I’m doing my best yet. I’m not positive that I’ve done all I can to snap out of the 2020 funk. I’ve taken some steps, sure, but could I be doing more? Should I be? I almost feel like I’m trying too many things and need to narrow my focus a little more. I made a list of habits I wanted to develop this year.

Establish Good habits

• Drink water first thing in the morning
• Get on the yoga mat every day
• Zumba twice a week / dance more
• Write ten things I’m grateful for every day
• Write every day
• Meditate
• Challenge myself in the kitchen by baking something new and trying a new cuisine or technique
• Get out of the house and explore the area once a month

Am I setting myself up for failure with so many things? I think my idea was that I could at least accomplish two or three things and feel successful, but I’m wondering now if an early failure in one will end up in giving up on the whole list.

This morning so far I’ve done a little dancing, practiced day two of the Breath Yoga journey, I wrote in my gratitude journal, and I’m baking bread and making cookies. And I’ve been successful so far in not checking my phone first thing, but I realize it’s only day three.

Last night I found the Headspace series on Netflix on meditation. I’ve already used Headspace for some breathing exercises and to help me fall asleep, so I will check out this series to get some meditation tips.

As far as writing goes, I’m working on a new poem that still needs some more work. Might be ready tomorrow. I’m still hoping to start a new short story, but I’ve been waiting for the right idea to come to me. Maybe I need to find a new approach.

Break Bad habits

• Don’t check my phone first thing in the morning
• No alcohol in January

And speaking of bad habits, there’s a big one I need to break. I still have a very strong urge to write to my ex regularly. Letters, emails, text messages. I’m trying really, really hard not to. I just want to tell him what’s going on in my world, and of course I’m hoping to hear about his world. When I do get an answer it’s never exactly what I’d hoped for, so I need to stop. I have to let go. It’s none of my business anymore what he’s doing, and he doesn’t need to know what I’m doing, thinking, and feeling. I feel conflicted. Six months ago I still wanted to be his friend, and thought he wanted the same. Months later I was angry after discovering truths that hurt and made me feel betrayed and duped. Thoughts of friendship disappeared. Now, I’m not sure what I want. I want to be a kind, forgiving person. But does that mean friendship?

Resources

In case anyone is interested in working on any of these habits with me, I can recommend the following:

• Headspace for meditation (the app, or the Netflix series). The app is free but you can pay a membership fee for more. So far I’ve only used the free plan.
• Yoga with Adrienne: I’ve already mentioned her in several posts. I love her style and vibe. She has helped me in so many ways, even helping me find pen pals via the Kula community.
• Zumba. I love to dance and when I discovered Zumba almost ten years ago now (boy time flies!) it gave me a way to dance regularly and get a good workout. Kyong and her class helped me lose weight and brought me out of my shell just a little bit. She moved away several years ago and since then I’ve had the privilege of dancing with several other teachers, including Pam who now leads a class on Zoom once a week. But because I do need to do it more than once a week, I’m using Kyong’s YouTube channel to make myself a playlist so I can dance on my own when I want. You can also subscribe to her newsletter and she will send you a link to a special 30-minute class video.
• Cooking and baking: I started a Facebook group for anyone who wants to join me in a monthly cooking and baking challenge. Starting small and easy so far: January’s theme is to cook something Thai and bake something featuring lemon.
• Writing: The Write Life is a site I discovered last year that I still need to explore further but appears to be a great resource for anyone interested in writing.
• Dry January: I did this last year and it wasn’t as hard as I thought it might be. Not sure how it will go this year, but it does help not having any alcohol in my place. 🙂

Best of luck to all of you working on good habits this year and wish me luck!