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The Sunday Post: Habits

Trust yourself. You are doing your best & that is a pretty fine way to live your life. — Dottie Billington, Ph.D.

I wasn’t sure what the first Sunday Post of 2021 would be about. New year, new start? A review of 2020 or resolutions for 2021? Think I’ve been doing that all along and already made a few promises to myself for 2021 in earlier posts.

As I knew I would, I’ve been all over the place in my resolve to look forward, to do my best not to get bogged down by regrets and trying to read between the few lines I have received over the last month. The urge to get answers to all my questions is strong and pulls me into a funk and I have to force myself out of it. It’s not easy.

One thing I’ve realized is that there is a part of me that wants to be miserable just to prove a point. Sounds like a great plan for the new year, doesn’t it? Definitely not how I want the year to go.

This week’s bloom tells me to trust myself, but I’m still not sure I can. I’m not all that sure I’m doing my best yet. I’m not positive that I’ve done all I can to snap out of the 2020 funk. I’ve taken some steps, sure, but could I be doing more? Should I be? I almost feel like I’m trying too many things and need to narrow my focus a little more. I made a list of habits I wanted to develop this year.

Establish Good habits

Am I setting myself up for failure with so many things? I think my idea was that I could at least accomplish two or three things and feel successful, but I’m wondering now if an early failure in one will end up in giving up on the whole list.

This morning so far I’ve done a little dancing, practiced day two of the Breath Yoga journey, I wrote in my gratitude journal, and I’m baking bread and making cookies. And I’ve been successful so far in not checking my phone first thing, but I realize it’s only day three.

Last night I found the Headspace series on Netflix on meditation. I’ve already used Headspace for some breathing exercises and to help me fall asleep, so I will check out this series to get some meditation tips.

As far as writing goes, I’m working on a new poem that still needs some more work. Might be ready tomorrow. I’m still hoping to start a new short story, but I’ve been waiting for the right idea to come to me. Maybe I need to find a new approach.

Break Bad habits

And speaking of bad habits, there’s a big one I need to break. I still have a very strong urge to write to my ex regularly. Letters, emails, text messages. I’m trying really, really hard not to. I just want to tell him what’s going on in my world, and of course I’m hoping to hear about his world. When I do get an answer it’s never exactly what I’d hoped for, so I need to stop. I have to let go. It’s none of my business anymore what he’s doing, and he doesn’t need to know what I’m doing, thinking, and feeling. I feel conflicted. Six months ago I still wanted to be his friend, and thought he wanted the same. Months later I was angry after discovering truths that hurt and made me feel betrayed and duped. Thoughts of friendship disappeared. Now, I’m not sure what I want. I want to be a kind, forgiving person. But does that mean friendship?

Resources

In case anyone is interested in working on any of these habits with me, I can recommend the following:

Best of luck to all of you working on good habits this year and wish me luck!

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