Music Fridays: Me Without You

Papers are signed and we’re another step closer to being divorced. Again, for both of us. This will be my second divorce and it will be his as well. I don’t know whether he will ever marry again, live with someone, or even put together a romantic playlist like the one we created when I first moved in with him.

And me? Who am I going to write love letters to? Who would I be willing to give up my job for? Who will be my champion and cheerleader? Will I ever meet someone that really gets me? Someone not scared or suspicious of my tears? Someone that will always know what to say or how to make me feel loved?

I don’t know. Maybe two marriages is enough. I did get two wonderful children from the first, and three other amazing individuals that I still call family from the second. But endings are too painful and most of us don’t go into a marriage thinking it won’t last forever. I want to be in a relationship again, but not just yet. I would like to enjoy a gentleman’s company but I’m sure it wouldn’t surprise you to hear that I’m a little nervous about it. So as I wrote in an earlier post, I’m taking some time with myself. Deciding how I want to spend my days and nights.

Signing our agreement did not feel as I expected it to feel. Too many harsh words have been said, and so many more left unsaid. I was sad, but not overwhelmingly so. I did feel a small rush of satisfaction when I realized I wasn’t crying. We would have celebrated ten years of marriage in a couple of months, and I suppose when our anniversary rolls around in December we will most likely still be married unless the courts move much quicker than they normally do.

I am thankful that I have so many happy memories of the eleven years we spent together. We had a good marriage, until we didn’t.

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