I had an idea today.
Let me back up a few days first. My friends have been spoiling me. It’s probably because I’ve been such a baby lately, but I don’t know what I would have done without my tribe, as they refer to themselves. Or the many others who are there when I need to talk to someone (yes, I’ve been talking on the phone!) and those who have had long text conversations with me.
But I digress, again. This week I got a little gift in the mail from my friends, an “assembly required” type of gift. It was a cute little watering can and the assembly part required me to fill it with 52 ribbons. Each ribbon has something written on it, a memory, a mantra, encouraging words, you get the idea. I can pick one at random once a week or as often as I need. I tried not to read them as I filled up the can and tried to put them in an artistic arrangement. I picked the first one on Thursday and that’s what gave me the idea: maybe I can use these as inspirations or prompts for weekly blog posts! Since I don’t know what the rest of them are, I’m not sure how long I can keep it up, but at least I can write one post!
This week’s “bloom” read: Don’t like your current story? Start re-writing it and manifesting it!
I gotta say there’s a lot about my current story that I don’t like. I’ve already written too much about it and I know I will write about it again. I was looking at some of the statistics for this blog the other day and I noticed that someone (I have no way of knowing who) was reading some of my older posts so I went back and re-read them myself. Some of these were really old. I can still remember the person I was when I wrote those older posts and how happy I was when I wrote them, promoting my husband’s musical projects or writing about how lucky I was to be in such a great relationship. I’ve been tempted to delete them or edit them, rewrite the back-story.
As far as my posts about his musical projects, I’ll admit I’m not the band’s biggest cheerleader right now, but I still find myself checking their Facebook page too often. I’ve removed myself as an admin from all their accounts and officially I stopped following the page. That was mostly a knee-jerk reaction when someone hurt my feelings, but I think it was probably the right move. I’ll leave the posts about them or about his music up for now but some of them have videos that you can’t see anymore. They’re not gone forever; they’re just taking a little break.
My posts about my married life…. well, I guess they’re staying because I meant every word when I wrote them. I was happy. A little frustrated in the last year or two, but happy, at least regarding married life. I’m still not sure when we stopped being happy. Or maybe to be more precise, when he stopped being happy with our life. I’m sure you’ll see more posts about that because I know I haven’t stopped processing and analyzing. That doesn’t mean I’m dwelling or living in the past or that I’m not moving forward. You have to know what you’ve lived through because it informs your future. I have to understand if there was something I missed that I should have noticed or done something about. Was I wrong in thinking he was my soulmate for life? Was he not the one?
I’ve read a few things about soulmates and there are those who say that a soulmate is not intended to be with you for the rest of your life.
So I’ve been thinking about whether he was my soulmate or not. Was he in my life to teach me something, and if so what was the lesson? Just a few weeks ago I would have said he was my soulmate but that I didn’t know what the lesson was yet. Now, I’m not so sure. Maybe he was, but I’m not ready to talk about what I now think the lesson was. I know I will write about it one day, but I’m still working on the homework from this lesson.
So to go back to my original point, how am I going to rewrite my story? Where do I want my story to go and how do I start manifesting it? I’m learning what I want from my next partner, or from anyone I allow to have a part in my life. And I guess that’s another thing I’m learning: I have a choice in who gets to play a role in my life. Who has been in my life so far that’s going to continue to be in my life? Who has been cheering me on and who has been silent? Who has been supportive and who has ignored me? I’m not talking about who’s been on my side versus his; I understand how that happens. Just because you’re on his side doesn’t mean you’re not cheering me on too. It’s hard to explain, but I know it when I feel it. I’m going with my feelings a lot these days, going with my gut. So I’ve had to remove some connections and cut some cords. I might reconnect them at some point later on.
And what about those I haven’t met yet? Who’s going to be playing a role in my story? I get to be selective about that too. For example, I was on a dating app the other day, just browsing, not really wanting to go out with anyone just yet. But then I swiped right on someone and it was a match! Oh my God, what now? Well, long story short (I know what you’re thinking: what about this story or post is short?) we ended up exchanging a few text messages, followed by a long phone call. Probably the only reason I felt comfortable enough to talk on the phone was that I knew (or at least he told me) he wasn’t in town right then. A few days later I got another text message from him but I had already come to the conclusion that I was not ready to let this person have a role in my life right now. He was a nice guy, but a little too bold and flirtatious for me. I had to pump the brakes. Maybe I’ll write him into the story later on.
I’ve been thinking that my story is going to have more writing in it and I thought that meant writing prose, but I’m finding that poetry seems to flow a little easier. I decided to turn the story I was working on into a poem instead. I’ll share that with you soon, maybe this week. I think it’s almost ready.
What else does my story need? I have a family that loves me, friends that are here for me even though they are not near, a job that pays the bills while occupying my time, and a lovely town I’m still getting to know. My story needs a happy ending (the happily-ever-after happy ending, not the massage, although…)
But what does that mean? What will make it happy? Does that mean being a divorcee for the rest of my life and living alone, dating, being in a relationship, getting married again? I know it’s not the first time I’ve written about this so forgive me if I keep repeating myself. I’m kind of just thinking out loud here. I wrote just the other day that I do want to be in a relationship again. I don’t think I would be happy living alone indefinitely. This quiet introvert appreciates solitude, but it would be nice to enjoy some quiet solitude with someone at my side who doesn’t mind when I’m quiet.
If you’ve made it to the end of this post and read it all the way through, thank you. In the end I have no further insights or conclusions. This story is still very much in draft mode and I’m rewriting it every day. I can’t change the past, and I still don’t know what the next chapter is all about, but I’m going through a lot of ink pens and my keyboard is never far from reach.