July 4

It’s Independence Day here in the USA. It’s also a Monday so that means our weekend is a little longer than usual and those of us that like to sleep in got a little extra time with our pillows. However, at around 5:30 am this morning I woke up and remembered that my alarm would be going off in about an hour because I forgot to pause it last night before I went to bed. So I got up (had to use the bathroom anyway) and made my way to the living room where I had left my phone and did that before it could wake us up in an hour. I crawled back into bed hoping S was still sleeping soundly. I fell back asleep and when I opened my eyes again sometime later I turned to see him watching me. He smiled as he reached out to pull me closer. He told me he’d been watching the funny expressions on my face as I slept. I told him I’d been dreaming, and told him about being in an elevator that wasn’t an elevator and index cards flying out into the sky from this non-elevator, and there was more that I just simply can’t explain or make sense of; not after waking and not hours later.

But this is not what I meant to write about when I sat down to write just now. I know my mind is wandering and my train of thought is derailing more than a little. I should go back and edit all this, or start over… that’s what I should do.

But I’m not going to because I’ve been berating myself for not writing or doing anything creative in a while. If you’re not up for another rambling, self-indulgent trainwreck of a post, you may want to leave while you can.

Still here? Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This time of year holds many memories for me. That’s what I wanted to write about today. I have other topics on the back burner and maybe one day they’ll find their way to the front…. but today I want to write about Independence Day.

Years ago I wrote about how this was the day that I decided I wanted out of my first marriage. (Independence Day – 2013) It was a turning point for me. I made a hard decision and while it didn’t necessarily lead to a series of more great decisions regarding my kids, it was a first step.

Fast forward to 2020, a second divorce, and then quite a different mood in 2021 when I wrote this post for Music Fridays: Miss Independent.

There are still moments here and there when I look back to the last few years and wonder why and how. I wonder if I ever really knew and understood the man that was my husband for ten years. I don’t wonder about what we had and whether our love was real; I know it was. But there is much more I can’t understand and I know I most likely never will. But that is now my past. The things I was so scared about two years ago now don’t seem so bad.

And what’s the vibe in 2022? I’m happy to report that it’s much like last year’s. I’m still feeling very independent and capable of doing everything I need to do on my own. I’m happy. I’m loved and in love. I can see my children when I want. I have things to look forward to.

There are days when I wonder: I wonder where we’re headed. I wonder why we are not together every day. I understand the reality though. We’re trying to be practical, careful, mindful. There’s a house for sale nearby that we both love. If it was half the price I know we would be having a serious conversation about it. But it’s not, and so we continue this dance, splitting time on the weekends at my place or his, and on a really good week we get to spend time together during the week too.

In the meantime, we make vacation plans together. We entertain his friends and cook for family. We take furniture down to Jeremy and his girlfriend who have just moved into their first place (without other roommates). I’m traveling for work this month and then he’s on a work trip of his own. We kid about that leading to a “dry July.”

So what’s the bottom line on this Independence Day in 2022? The present is good. I have a good life. I have someone I trust with my heart, someone who makes me feel happy and excited and alive.

The future? What will July 4 of 2024 look like? I don’t know, but that’s ok. I’ve weathered much in the last few years and I know it won’t always be this easy. But I know I can handle it.

In the meantime, because I’m not sure I will think of anything else to do with these, here is proof that I haven’t been in a complete funk so far this summer (even though sometimes it feels like it).

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