Rear-view Mirror

How do you see what’s behind you when there’s no rear-view mirror?
Do you rely on your memories alone or should you keep your focus in front of you?
How do you keep track of the past to avoid going down the same road again?

I don’t know.

My rear-view window was blocked for about 7 hours last week. Or at least it should have been.

This is not the positive, optimistic post I promised you last week. It’s been a rough week. I’m here but my things aren’t. Don’t know when they will catch up with me. Just breathe, they say from the comfort of their homes, surrounded by their things and familiar surroundings.

When I catch a glimpse through that persistent rear-view mirror, I feel incredible sadness. I also feel angry, but it feels like maybe I should feel more anger, and that makes me even sadder because I don’t.

When I look at the road ahead of me, I see weekly dinners with my kids, holidays spent together, and I feel grateful and less lonely. Not so sure about meeting other people just yet, particularly men, but that will come in time I suppose.

I’ve been working on the things I can and putting on hold those I can’t do anything about right now. I can’t do anything about people not wanting to talk to me, so no point in trying anymore. I can’t change how anyone else feels about me. I can continue doing the little things I need to do such as updating all my accounts and addresses, buying the growing number of things I need for the new place, and just keep working and being grateful for the job I have.

I’m thankful for the opportunity to live close to my kids again. It makes it so much easier to tell my son he needs a haircut and a shave! And seeing him in my rear-view mirror and my daughter at my side, is always a welcome sight.

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