It snowed last night! If my daughter hadn’t texted me though I might not have noticed until this morning. I had the shades down in my living room, watching a couple more episodes of “How to get away with murder” and hoping to stay awake long enough to catch Dan Levy’s appearance on SNL, and wasn’t paying attention to the weather outside. It was beautiful. The snow covered the cars and the grass and it felt almost magical.
When I picked this week’s bloom and saw the quote about suffering, I wasn’t sure how to turn that into a post. I’m still not sure even as I write this. I agree with the quote and can relate for sure. Hanging on to suffering, sadness, feels familiar. It’s even comforting in a way. I wrote not too long ago that I had realized that to a certain degree I was staying angry and sad almost out of spite; to make someone feel bad about what they had done. To bring about a sense of guilt that I felt was missing in that person.
There’s still a part of me that is waiting to see some evidence that those feelings exist in him, but I know I can’t live any kind of life for myself if I’m waiting for that. I’m learning. I’m adjusting. I’m growing.
The fear of the unknown is still very much present and influencing what I do. It’s easy to hide in my little nest. I know I need to step out and overcome that fear. Being an introvert of course makes that a little harder. But I’m dipping my toes into the dating world, trying to decide how deep to go. It’s much easier to be brave when you’re just on your phone; the hard part will be when it’s time for face-to-face meetings.
I’ve never really dated. I didn’t date in high school. In college I was shy and cautious and ended up in a serious relationship with the first guy I went out with, the first man I kissed. But I wouldn’t call that dating simply because we didn’t really go out anywhere except sporting events with a group of friends, maybe a movie or two? Before we knew it we were living together, then married with children. Between the first husband and the second, I didn’t date either. I went out with friends from work a couple of times but it wasn’t long before I was deep into a relationship with the man who would become my second husband (someone I already knew and had worked with years before).
So here I am, trying to figure out what I want from my single life. I expect divorce papers to be back from the courthouse soon, making it all official. I do know that I don’t want to jump right into another serious relationship. I’m not looking for husband #3. I want to have some fun. I want someone to go places with me and have dinner with me once in while. Someone I can talk to, someone who is interested in what I have to say and knows how to get that out of me. Someone to hold my hand. Someone to have a drink with, cook with or for. Someone to love. And yes, someone to sleep with, when the time is right.
It will happen. I know I can’t rush things and really there is no big rush. I don’t want to feel like my best days are behind me. There’s still plenty to look forward to, even if what’s ahead still feels unfamiliar.