This week’s bloom was about growth. Blossoming. Doing what you didn’t think was possible.
I’ve been doing a lot this month that I wasn’t all that sure was possible not too long ago. There’s the more obvious things like yoga every day, thinking of ten things every day that I’m grateful for, drinking more water, staying off my phone in the morning; I’ve accomplished all those things. And then there are the less visible but more important habits: practicing forgiveness, keeping a positive outlook, and stepping out of my comfort zone. I made a lot of progress this month on all those things.
I did take a little step backward this past week though. I got upset, way more than I should have, when the olive branch that I had extended as a gesture of forgiveness and an expression of friendship was rebuffed, rejected, knocked out of my hands. I was hurt that he didn’t appear to need or want my friendship. I sulked and moped about it for about twelve hours or so. I had a few lines for poem about what I was feeling. I was pissed off, honestly. I should have been the one who didn’t want to be friends. But then I spent the evening with my son and his girlfriend. We ate dinner, watched a movie, ate the pound cake I made (I did anyway, and then sent him home with at least half of it). I stayed up late watching “How to get away with murder” but realizing that wasn’t really an option 😉, I went to bed.
The next morning I felt much better. I decided I don’t need that friendship right now. I have other friends. I will still choose to look back at the last eleven years with bittersweet fondness. But I will continue to work on the distancing that I haven’t been successful in maintaining so far. If eventually we become friends again, he will have to initiate that.
The same day that he told me it was better if I not know anything about his life, I heard from all three of his kids in one way or another. I had an early morning email from the oldest, sharing photos he found that he thought I might like, which reminded me to add him and his siblings to the Google Photos shared album I had created for their dad. This then prompted his daughter to text me about the photos, and later I heard from the youngest about putting something in the mail for me.
That’s where I need to put my energy and attention: nurturing and growing the relationships I have with my children, his children and their babies, my friends, old and new, and with myself. I’m going to find ways to grow and bloom here because that’s where the winds of fate have brought me.