Wednesday Worries

Maybe they’re not so much worries as ruminations, but Wednesday Worries rolls off the tongue a little better. Must be the alliteration.

I’ve been sitting on my couch for about an hour now, not really doing anything productive, when there are at least a few things I could be doing. I have a crochet blanket project that is 3/4 of the way done, a library book to start, and I could probably spend another hour or so on a freelance project, but I’ve put in some time on it already today so I can finish that up tomorrow. (No, I’m not procrastinating!) I’m not sure why I’m not doing any of those things. I don’t even have music playing or a Netflix show streaming.

I want to write, and not just these random thoughts that are barely interesting enough to read, even to me. I realize many of my posts are more like reading my diary. Unless you lead a very unusually interesting life, no one really cares about reading your diary.

I had a couple thoughts last night as I was drifting off to sleep that I should have written down or dictated into my phone. Right now I’m not even sure they were worth saving or what they were about, I just remember there was something. It’s been driving me crazy. This happened last week, or maybe it was the week before, when a line popped into my head that I thought could be the starting point for a story. I remembered fragments the next day but not the whole idea. I wrote down what I remembered, hoping the rest would come back to me later. I’m still waiting. Maybe I should be going to bed later if inspiration is going to try to approach me so late at night? Or should I just keep a notebook by my bed for those moments?

Instead of writing or doing any of the other things I already mentioned, I’ve spent the last hour switching from one phone app to another, looking for something interesting to read or watch or click on or play. This includes dating apps.

I have no idea what I’m doing with these, and I’ve wondered more than once whether it’s too soon to put myself out there. I’m not even officially divorced yet. I’m waiting for my common sense voice to yell at me, to tell me to either delete my profile and just enjoy the alone time, or commit fully — stop browsing and contact someone already! What am I even looking for? I read this (more or less) in someone’s profile recently: he wasn’t lonely; he missed the intimacy of being in a relationship. The way I interpret that and how I relate to that is this: I miss having someone to talk to at the end of the day, someone who cares how it went, someone to hold me and make everything feel ok. Companionship. Tenderness. Passion. Understanding. Honesty. Friendship. Too much, too soon?

Any of you ever use dating apps or sites? Do you use the free version or do you have a paid subscription? I’ve been reluctant to pay. Maybe that’s just committing too much to dating.

So here’s another worry: I’ve shared my blog with two men that I have connected with for more than a couple messages because at the time it seemed like one way to be upfront and honest about who I am and my current state of mind, even at the risk of scaring them away. Or is it still too soon? Am I opening myself up for someone to take advantage of me in some way? The first person I shared it with told me after reading a few posts that he didn’t find any red flags waving him off, but he told me he could feel the pain just oozing out. He also invited me to grab my camera and go with him for a drive in the mountains to take some pictures. And we did and I had a lovely time. I shared some of the pictures in one of my Sunday Posts last November. The second guy? I don’t know how much he’s read but by the time I shared the link with him my posts had taken a much more optimistic turn; not so much pain oozing out. We’ll see.

Like everyone else, I’m anxious and ready for the pandemic to be behind us so we can all start living our lives as before. Go out to eat and be able to see each other’s faces, meet people, shake hands, hug, kiss. Pop the bubble we’ve been living in.

I’m also ready for Dry January to be over. I could use martini right about now.

It hasn’t been that hard not to drink for a month. It was never about cutting back on drinking because I thought I had a problem. Last year it was about kickstarting both our efforts to lose weight, maybe clear our heads, and save some money. It did do all that, for me anyway. This year it was just a way to hit the reset button. Combine that with daily yoga and I think it’s an excellent way to start a new year.

I probably won’t do yoga every day once the month is over, and I’m certainly not going to drink every day either, but having options to fit those in when I want to will be easier now, I hope.

I will continue my gratitude journal into the next month. I think that’s been very helpful. Cooking and baking projects will continue as well, and with any luck I’ll be able to capture one of the ideas that pop into my head before it vanishes, never to be heard from again. Once again I ask you to wish me luck.

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