It’s weigh-in day and I’m nervous as hell. The Weight Watchers scale scares me to death. I actually had a dream, no, nightmare, about it last night. This is not how I expected this to turn out.

Maybe I should back up a little. My employer just started a Weight Watchers @Work program and I decided to join. Managing my weight has been a constant struggle but one that I had pretty good success with in the last year. Over a period of about eight months I lost about 40 pounds. It felt like it took forever. I thought I would never reach my goal. But I did. For a little while. Then, as I knew it would, my weight started creeping back up. A pound or two up, then maybe one down. Then up five, down two, up six. Get the picture? So I signed up with the expectation that being part of a group working toward a common goal would help me get back to my goal weight and stay there.

Today is my third meeting and I’m not looking forward to it. I know pretty much what the scale is going to say. My home scale already broke the bad news. I managed to gain weight this week. Again. I tell myself (and I’m ready to tell the WW receptionist when she writes down that ugly “+” on my weigh-in card) that I have a reasonable excuse: my period. My weight always goes up just before it starts (which was the day after last week’s weigh-in) and doesn’t really go back down until after it’s over. Unfortunately, these days my period is lasting longer. Guess it’s about time for changes to start happening there too. Sigh. Not much I can do about that.

Technically, I’m already within the “healthy” weight range for my height. The goal on my Weight Watchers card is just eight pounds (which is just a little less than what I need to get back to my low point for the last sixteen years). I know I shouldn’t worry about it so much. Tossing and turning all night when I know that there are others who are working on much bigger goals is unnecessary

Others in the group are having great success and the group as a whole lost over fifty pounds the first week. That is really amazing. And then I worry about bringing down that total because they have to factor in my weight gain. I worry about being judged. I worry that because I have already lost some weight others may think I shouldn’t be part of the group or that they are wondering why I joined. And then I worry that people have noticed the pounds piling on and know exactly why I’m there. Yes, these ridiculous thoughts really do go through my head.

This morning I actually tried to figure out which outfit would add the least amount of extra weight. I went for a hard-boiled egg for breakfast instead of the bran muffin. I’m going to make sure I stop at the bathroom before I get in line to weigh in. This is all so absurd, I know.

I’m looking forward to the meeting being over so I can eat. And have a couple of snacks. (Yes, I will track my points. No worries.) And then I will think about what I’m making for dinner, and whether there will be any points left at the end of the day for a nightcap.

And so begins the day, and the week, for a Weight Watcher. The struggle will continue and I can only hope that I do actually reach my goal. And then, hardest of all, stay there as long as I can. It’s a lifetime commitment, and one that will hopefully help me have a longer, healthier life. Wish me luck…