Balance

In between Yoga and Zumba today I looked down at my feet and the parallel lines running down the length of my living room floor reminded me of a balance beam. I wondered how I would fare if I had to walk on a real balance beam, several feet off the ground. Not very well, I’m thinking. Anyone who’s walked more than a few feet with me knows I can’t walk a straight line. (I’m not the best walking partner; I’ll either keep cutting you off or veering off the path.) I don’t know why this is. Are my legs uneven, is it my feet, my inner ear balance? I don’t know.

I think Yoga is helping me with balance. My warrior and tree poses are getting better. It’s still easier to balance on my right leg than my left, but that’s probably normal?

Then I got to to thinking about how well I’m balancing things these days. I think I do have most things balanced pretty well. I don’t have a lot going on outside my four walls yet, so it’s a matter of not spending all my time on my phone or watching tv. I’ve already written about all my goals and activities: writing, meditating, Yoga and Zumba of course, crochet projects, cooking and baking. The fine line I’m trying to balance on at the moment is the one between being overly friendly and distancing myself.

I have a tendency to take things a step or two too far past friendly and I worry that I’m intruding, making a nuisance of myself, or just plain annoying. Have I gone full circle? Or am I just spinning around randomly like a kid’s spinning top? It’s not like I’m calling him or writing and texting too much (I hope) but I probably should learn to pause a second or two when the urge strikes to share something (a story, a memory, a dream) and then maybe just keep it to myself.

For example, today my stepmother sent us an audio clip recorded with my dad two years ago while they were driving around checking out Christmas lights. The radio was on in the car, playing Christmas music, and my dad was singing along. Instantly, I was sad, but also happy to hear his voice again. I remembered when I first heard that particular clip two years ago, sharing it with my husband and describing it as “my dad driving around the city talking and singing along with the radio” and thinking it was kind of silly. Now, I’m so glad they recorded it for us, and my first instinct was to share it with my husband again, because he cared about him too. So I did. Not the audio clip, only because I couldn’t figure out just then how to do that, but the memory itself. What I should have done was share the clip with my kids. I can still do that, and I will.

I didn’t get a response, but I wasn’t expecting one, and I didn’t need one. If he had there’s a good chance I would have sent a follow-up text so I’m glad he didn’t. I am. There’s a chance he’s working on that balance himself. Or there’s a chance he’s just tolerating my friendly overtures but would rather be left alone. Maybe he needs more space than I do. Who knows. Balance. It’s a not as easy as you might think.

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