I had ideas for a post last night as I was getting ready for bed. I was going to write something positive about my future. I should have pulled out the laptop then because that optimistic outlook did not last long. Somewhere between the bathroom sink and my bed I started thinking sad thoughts. I remembered Navidad, the sweet puppy we found just before Christmas 2007 that my daughter just had to put down after a bout with cancer. I ran down the list of the things I have to do over the next few months. I thought about the man who doesn’t want to be my husband anymore. Well , that was the end of all optimism for the night.
There’s a part of me that agrees with him: we can’t continue down this road like this. Somewhere along the way we took a detour that led us through a murky, infested swamp. Turns out that to get out of the swamp we have to do it separately, each pulling on different ropes. These ropes are leading us in different directions. Would I rather hang on to his rope? Yes, I would. Will doing that make the rope break so we both fall back deeper into the swamp? Maybe.
So there’s that other part of me that’s so very, very sad. This part is trying not to cry every day but failing most days. Not every day though. There have been a few days when I was able to focus on the task at hand or I could distract myself with work, a book, or a movie. I’m hoping to put two days like that back-to-back, and then a few more.
I need to write more, and not just to him or about him. I need to dance and laugh. More yoga, more meditation. I need to see my kids. I’m looking forward to that.
Since this is a personal blog, you will probably see more wistful and maybe even desperate writing here for a while. I promise I will try to make a shift to more positive posts soon. Be patient with me, please. I’m working on it. I’m still trying to get out of the swamp.