I was sipping on my coffee this morning, looking at my phone and kinda listening to the news while S sat next to me on the couch, when today’s date started whispering at me.
“Check your calendar,” it said. “Doesn’t today’s date mean something to you?”
I thought about it for a sec. Hmm… yes, I think it does. Wasn’t it four years ago today that I left town with my most precious and necessary belongings crammed in my car and drove almost 7 hours south mostly in tears? Oh yes, that’s right. I remember the day like it was yesterday.
Worst, and longest, drive of my life. Despite my “positive/happy thoughts/self-affirming” playlist, I struggled to hold myself together. It’s a wonder I was able to see the road in front of me. There were so many moments where I wasn’t just weepy—I was bawling.
It’s a little embarrassing (well maybe more than a little) to look back and see myself in those days, weeks, and months. My emotions were see-sawing up and down and then going round and round. I went from sad to angry to lonely to depressed to miserable to even more angry and then back to sad and lonely, and then eventually to content. To not lonely. To satisfied. To thankful. To, dare I say… happy?
This morning, I almost reached out to my ex. I wasn’t sure what I would say. “Happy un-anniversary?” But I did know I didn’t want to talk about the past. Or even try to get info on his personal life now or tell him too much about mine. After all, if he wanted to share any of that or find out about my life, I’m not hard to find.
I thought I might ask about his writing and share what’s happened with mine. We used to talk about being writing partners, you see. We promised to read each other’s work and provide honest feedback. There’s not a whole lot of writing going on over here on my end right now, but I’m curious about his. Has he continued working on what he started four years ago? The chapter I read was good, and I would love to see how the story developed.
I confess that he’s been on my mind recently, but I know it’s because I’m visiting his family this weekend. We’re not related by blood, but for many years we were connected by more than just our Fantasy Football league (reigning champion here, by the way), so I still consider them family. When the invitation was extended, I wasn’t sure I would go. I even thought I had actually invited myself, but after several reassuring text messages, I’ve committed to going. I’m looking forward to it, but there’s part of me that’s still worried that my ex wouldn’t like it. But that’s not something I’m going to worry about.
It’s been an interesting four years. There have been so many milestones that I’ve been able to be a part of because I’m here. Because I’m here, I’ve had my family around for the hard days—my father passing away—and for the happy days—my daughter’s wedding (and all the lead-up), my son’s first car. I started dating again and fell in love with a wonderful human being. We’ve vacationed together and moved in together. I’ve grown as a writer (not so much as a blogger) and I’ve stepped outside several comfort zones.
I love my new community. It feels like home. I have many, many fond memories of life pre-2020. I will treasure them always. Some of the people who were in my life then may not be around now, but they played a role in who I am now. I’m thankful for the lessons, the relationships, and the love.
But, I’ve decided not to reach out. The ball is still on the other side of the court.