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The Sunday Post: Ticked

No cheery Sunday Post for you today, folks. Not feeling it. I’m quite upset with most of the whole world today, but mostly with myself (and the moving company).

But maybe I should go back a bit. In my last post I wrote that not being angrier is making me sad. And that’s still true. But today I am feeling angry but not at him, at myself (and the moving company). I’m mad at myself for acting like such a fool and moping around like it’s the end of the world. I’ve been walking around my empty apartment (did I mention I’m mad at the moving company?), missing the things I had to leave behind (from plants to people), and wishing I at least had the things I did pack. Yesterday I had a good day and even rolled out the yoga mat (which fortunately made the trip with me in my car) for a quick session and I spent some time writing on my balcony (sitting on my fold-out lawn chair that also traveled in my car), and I bought a few groceries to begin stocking my empty pantry.

Today started out well enough: I picked my son up for lunch and we shared a pizza as he filled me in on the world of disc golf before he had to go to work. But now I’m back at the apartment staring at the empty space around me and I miss my husband. And that’s why I’m pissed off at myself.

I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. Tell me to get over it and stop missing him. Convince me I’m better off without him. Help me resist the urge to text him when I see something that reminds me of him. I should be mad at him and instead I’m mad at myself for crying, for not being able to put him out of my mind and move on.

I have tried, you know, to think about the possibility of dating again. I even downloaded an app and created a profile. The whole swipe left or right thing is still confusing to me and if I’ve swiped right on anyone it’s been by accident only. Can going out with someone else help you fall out of love with somebody? And how can you even do that in a COVID-19 reality? I don’t think anyone wants to go out with a woman who will most likely cry if you ask her about past relationships. And so I’m doomed until I find a way to just be mad without crying. And maybe even stop crying.

I feel stupid when I see posts from years ago in which I wrote about how wonderful marriage is the second time around, how easy it is. I should have known better. Marriage isn’t supposed to be easy. It can’t be easy the whole time. That makes you relax and take it for granted instead of working at it. Marriage is hard work.

I keep checking my phone for an email or text. I want news that the movers are coming soon. And yes, I would like to get one from him to know that he’s thought of me since I’ve gone, and to know he’s doing OK. But I get the feeling he is all right and is just trying to sort out his own stuff.

Maybe tonight I will get some news. Maybe tomorrow is the day I’m reunited with my furniture. Or the day after. Please.

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